"In an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, Rudy Giuliani said he is guided by Jesus and the Bible, and he doesn't want people to judge his private life. He then said, 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.' And then Mitt Romney hit him in the head with a rock."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"It was announced this week that over the summer, Hillary Clinton's campaign raised $27 million, while Barack Obama's campaign raised $22 million. In a related story, Dennis Kucinich found a nickel between the couch cushions."
Conan O'Brien
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
"Here's good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the bud, didn't he? ... President Bush says he's really going to buckle down now and fight global warming. As a matter of fact, he announced today he's sending 20,000 troops to the sun."
David Letterman
The Late Show with David Letterman
New Heart Device Allows Cheney To Experience Love
Recovering from minor heart surgery Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney stunned both the medical and political establishments when he mysteriously began to experience love for the first time in his life, sources reported Tuesday. >>>
"The Democrats had a very big week this week. They tacked a hate crimes bill onto the war spending bill. ... Apparently, attacks on gays, they said, is also actually terrorism. I don't have time to explain how this bill works, but next year, General Petraeus will be eligible for a Tony."
Bill Maher
Real Time with Bill Maher
"Last week during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call, which he stopped his speech to answer. Giuliani then told the audience, 'That was my wife reminding me to pick up some milk at the 9-Eleven.'"
Seth Meyers
Saturday Night Live Weekend Update
"Sometimes I don't think Congress has America's best interest at heart. For example, when they convene. But every once and a while they pass a bill that restores my faith in the system, like Wednesday's Lieberman-Kyl amendment, which passed by a 76-22 margin and calls on President Bush to declare Iran's Revolutionary Guard a terrorist organization. The president is prosecuting a war on terror. This makes Iran the second front. But not everyone supports our troops enough to give them the job security a war with Iran would provide. People like Senator Jim Webb who voted against the amendment, calling it, 'Dick Cheney's fondest pipe dream.' Well, that is completely unfair. Everyone knows Dick Cheney's fondest pipe dream is driving a bulldozer into the New York Times while drinking crude oil out of Keith Olbermann's skull."
Stephen Colbert
The Colbert Report
Education Accomplished! "Childrens do learn"
Mission accomplished! As recently as three years ago, America's education system was in a shambles. Millions of childrens did not even know that humans and fish can peacefully coexist. >>>
"As you know, if you are a minority or an interest group, the Democrats will hold a debate at your house, whereas Republicans take a slightly different approach. They have a big tent, you're just not allowed in it."
Jon Stewart
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Regarding the Republican presidential candidates skipping the PBS minority-issue debate
"Sure, blacks may be getting ignored now, but isn't that just getting them warmed up for next year, when they're really going to be ignored?"
Larry Wilmore
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Keep smilin'!! :-)
-RSKnopfJr
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