"Here's the thing that troubles me. I mean, win, lose or draw, at the end of the day, the bottom line, cut to the chase, it's a lot of money. It's a lot of money to elect a president, don't you think? Really it's an awful lot of money. Hillary Clinton's campaign right now, this very minute, is $20 million in debt. Now, when she gets that 3 a.m. call, it's from a collection agency."
"I don't know if Barack Obama's getting tired or what, but in a recent speech, Barack Obama made a mistake. He said he had visited all 57 states. Yeah, that's what he said. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Haha, he forgot Alaska and Hawaii!'"
"Senator John Edwards endorsed Barack Obama for president of the United States. Wow! Wow. He is going to need more than two Americas to hide from Hillary Clinton. Well, with that endorsement, I believe the Obama camp has won the support of its first white male."
"Jenna Bush is getting married over the weekend. But she did not sign a prenup. Apparently, the family doesn't believe in exit strategies."
"The Democrats are in a tough spot now, because if the super delegates somehow give the nomination to Clinton, that's going to alienate a lot of African-Americans who support Obama. But if Obama wins, there are going to be a lot of disappointed women voters, which is why I think more than ever we need a President Oprah."
"Howard Dean on the show tonight. Now, anybody here from Florida or Michigan? All right. You can't be seated. You'll have to leave. I'm sorry. It's the Democrats' ruling."
"That was so sweet, because at the reception, President Bush danced with his lovely daughter. It's the first time he has led in eight years."