"Yesterday at the White House, President Bush gave a press conference about the economy. He said we're in, 'a time of uncertainty.' Yeah. Yeah, then Bush said, 'you know, like that moment after 'Dora the Explorer' ends, but before 'Spongebob' starts?' You're not sure, you don't know what's happening."
"Folks, Senator Barack Obama left his church in May, but questions still linger about his religion. According to a new Pew Research Poll, since March, the number of people who believe Obama is Muslim has increased by 2%, and strangely, the number who believe he's Jewish has gone from none to 1%. Wow, you play Tevye in one Congressional production of 'Fiddler on the Roof,' and you're typecast for life."
"With all this financial panicking going on, President Bush held a press conference and told everyone to take a deep breath. That's a good advice, huh? The economy is tanking and he's giving Lamaze classes. Very good. Isn't that what he told the people of New Orleans when the water was rising? 'Just take a deep breath and try to hold it for as long you can.'"
"The economy here in the United States is in very bad shape, but President Bush isn't sweating it. Partly because he believes the bad news is being exaggerated and partly because he has the intellect of a Golden Retriever."
"Let's try and put it in perspective if we can. A million people on the terrorist watch list. If you were to take all the people that our government suspects of terrorism and stack them, one on top of the other, that would be considered an acceptable method of interrogation, according to the Justice Department."
"By the way, during that last joke, Brett Farve came out of retirement and then retired again. I don't know. I feel bad for the guy. Brett Farve says he has reconsidered his decision to retire and he wants to get back in the game. Today, Hillary Clinton said, you can do that?"