Flag City Politico

Time Out For Humor

With everything going on, I haven't done one of these in quite some time. No time like a Presidential campaign, however, to find the humor in our political process.

Saturday Night Live!

"And we were going to have Joe the Plumber on the program. We had him booked on the show. But at the last minute he canceled on us to do an interview with Katie Couric."
David Letterman

"Joe the Plumber has been all over the place. He's been on 'Good Morning America,' he's on Fox News. He was talking to the Associated Press. This plumber has done more interviews in one day than Sarah Palin has done since being chosen by John McCain."
Jay Leno

"A poll came out today. 67% of Americans say they've seen enough and they don't want any more presidential debates. That's what they're saying. 67%. Yeah, the other 33% are plumbers who want to hear their name on television."
Conan O'Brien

Obama Roasts McCain at Al Smith Dinner

John McCain - Alfred E. Smith Memorial Dinner

"And by the way, I'm your host for the program. I'm Dave the Plumber."
David Letterman

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

"I'll tell you how hot it was today in the Northeast. It is so hot today that Vice President Dick Cheney replaced his pacemaker with an icemaker. Honest to God. So hot today in New York that former governor Eliot Spitzer was dating a girl named Margarita."
David Letterman

The Word - Stephen Colbert

"He has undertaken his first fact-finding mission to the Middle East as the presumptive Democratic nominee. And thus begins the Daily Show's week-long coverage of: 'Obama Quest: The Legend Begins.' ... Obviously, it's is not uncommon for sitting senators to make this kind of visit, but Obama's trip is getting more attention than usual. Tagging along were not one, not two, but all three major network news anchors. And as I understand it, on every night of the trip, Barack Obama will give a rose to the anchors he wants to stay. Whoever doesn't get a rose has to go home."
Jon Stewart

"Now, you know, I don't want to say McCain is running a lackluster campaign, but his Secret Service code name is 'Bob Dole.' That's not good."
Jay Leno

"It was kind of surprising; they really love Obama in Germany. He's like a rock star over there. It's impressive until you realize that David Hasselhoff is also like a rock star over there."
Jimmy Kimmel

Classic Video - Saturday Night Live

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is calling the Bush presidency a total failure. Total failure. I don't know, I think he's done okay. I think he's done okay if you don't count Iraq, the economy, the environment, Afghanistan, the mortgage crisis. I think he's done all right..."
David Letterman

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

"Yesterday at the White House, President Bush gave a press conference about the economy. He said we're in, 'a time of uncertainty.' Yeah. Yeah, then Bush said, 'you know, like that moment after 'Dora the Explorer' ends, but before 'Spongebob' starts?' You're not sure, you don't know what's happening."
Conan O'Brien

"Folks, Senator Barack Obama left his church in May, but questions still linger about his religion. According to a new Pew Research Poll, since March, the number of people who believe Obama is Muslim has increased by 2%, and strangely, the number who believe he's Jewish has gone from none to 1%. Wow, you play Tevye in one Congressional production of 'Fiddler on the Roof,' and you're typecast for life."
Stephen Colbert

"With all this financial panicking going on, President Bush held a press conference and told everyone to take a deep breath. That's a good advice, huh? The economy is tanking and he's giving Lamaze classes. Very good. Isn't that what he told the people of New Orleans when the water was rising? 'Just take a deep breath and try to hold it for as long you can.'"
Jay Leno

"The economy here in the United States is in very bad shape, but President Bush isn't sweating it. Partly because he believes the bad news is being exaggerated and partly because he has the intellect of a Golden Retriever."
Jimmy Kimmel

"Let's try and put it in perspective if we can. A million people on the terrorist watch list. If you were to take all the people that our government suspects of terrorism and stack them, one on top of the other, that would be considered an acceptable method of interrogation, according to the Justice Department."
Jon Stewart

"By the way, during that last joke, Brett Farve came out of retirement and then retired again. I don't know. I feel bad for the guy. Brett Farve says he has reconsidered his decision to retire and he wants to get back in the game. Today, Hillary Clinton said, you can do that?"
David Letterman

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

"Here's the thing that troubles me. I mean, win, lose or draw, at the end of the day, the bottom line, cut to the chase, it's a lot of money. It's a lot of money to elect a president, don't you think? Really it's an awful lot of money. Hillary Clinton's campaign right now, this very minute, is $20 million in debt. Now, when she gets that 3 a.m. call, it's from a collection agency."
David Letterman

"I don't know if Barack Obama's getting tired or what, but in a recent speech, Barack Obama made a mistake. He said he had visited all 57 states. Yeah, that's what he said. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Haha, he forgot Alaska and Hawaii!'"
Conan O'Brien

"Senator John Edwards endorsed Barack Obama for president of the United States. Wow! Wow. He is going to need more than two Americas to hide from Hillary Clinton. Well, with that endorsement, I believe the Obama camp has won the support of its first white male."
Stephen Colbert

"Jenna Bush is getting married over the weekend. But she did not sign a prenup. Apparently, the family doesn't believe in exit strategies."
Craig Ferguson

"The Democrats are in a tough spot now, because if the super delegates somehow give the nomination to Clinton, that's going to alienate a lot of African-Americans who support Obama. But if Obama wins, there are going to be a lot of disappointed women voters, which is why I think more than ever we need a President Oprah."
Jimmy Kimmel

"Howard Dean on the show tonight. Now, anybody here from Florida or Michigan? All right. You can't be seated. You'll have to leave. I'm sorry. It's the Democrats' ruling."
Jay Leno

"That was so sweet, because at the reception, President Bush danced with his lovely daughter. It's the first time he has led in eight years."
David Letterman

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

"So here's what happened on Tuesday. Hillary Clinton barely won my home state of Indiana. And she lost in the state of North Carolina. But here is the good news. She has a substantial lead in the state of denial."
David Letterman

"A lot of pressure now on Hillary Clinton to drop out of the race. She didn't do so well in the primaries the other night. A lot of pressure. And it's been reported, this is the latest, that Barack Obama's campaign is negotiating with Hillary Clinton for her to go away. ... And when he heard this, Bill Clinton said, 'I'd love to know how that works.'"
Conan O'Brien

Panderer's Box

"As I'm sure you know by now, Hillary Clinton is not throwing in the pantsuit. No, siree Bob. In fact, the 'New York Times' reported the other night, while they were on stage, you know, Bill Clinton actually wiped away a tear. This is true. And when Hillary saw it, she said, 'Don't worry, Bill, I'll always be here with you.' And he said, 'Don't make it worse!'"
Jay Leno

"One thing about getting eliminated on 'American Idol,' you have to leave. Unlike the race for president, where Hillary Clinton won't. After last night she now has almost no chance of winning the Democratic nomination, but she's still in it. She says she is staying in this race until the bitter end, or at least until Bill takes the sock off the door handle at their house."
Jimmy Kimmel

A Message from the Next President of the United States

"Nation, the more I learn about John McCain, the more I like his maverick spirit. For instance, his critics say he's too old. So what does McCain do? He keeps aging. The politically expedient thing would be to grow younger. McCain clearly doesn't care what the polls say. But there is one recent NBC/Wall Street Journal poll that he should pay attention to. It found that 32% of Americans consider Barack Obama's connection to Reverand Wright a major concern. But 43% are concerned about John McCain's connection to George Bush. In other words, the biggest political albatross heading into November is George Bush. That is a shame, especially considering everything President Bush has done to ensure the extinction of albatrosses."
Stephen Colbert

"I was thinking about this, and I'm no political genius. I'm no pundit, but it occurred to me that Hillary Clinton has one thing in common with President Bush. Neither of them has an exit strategy."
David Letterman

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

"How 'bout that John McCain, you like John McCain? I like John McCain. He looks like a guy who goes grocery shopping and yells at the bagboy, 'Put the eggs on top. Hey, hey junior, put the eggs on top.' He looks like a guy who still calls the TV the 'Idiot Box.' ... He looks like a guy you take shopping and have to yell into the changing room, 'Everything alright in there, pop?'"
David Letterman

"I guess you heard, Barack Obama's former pastor, Reverend Wright, is now traveling the country trying to explain those controversial remarks he made in some of his sermons. And even Barack Obama is starting to admit it's hurting his campaign. In fact, you know what Barack Obama did today to distract reporters from Reverend Wright? He went bowling again."
Jay Leno

Top 10 Surprising Facts about Barack Obama

"Barack Obama announced that after all the insulting comments and bitterness, he is severing his 20-year relationship with Reverend Wright. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Wait, you can do that with someone?'"
Conan O'Brien

"David Blaine today broke the world record for holding his breath, on 'Oprah' - 17 minutes, four seconds. Blaine has now frozen himself, he's starved himself, he's gone without sleep for weeks, and deprived himself of oxygen. Today, Dick Cheney said, 'See, it's not torture. It's magic.'"
Jimmy Kimmel

"Hillary Clinton announced today she'll appear on 'The O'Reilly Factor.' That should be a great confrontation. On one side, a loudmouthed bully who wants to tear apart the Democratic Party and on the other side, there's Bill O'Reilly."
Craig Ferguson

The Word - Separation of Church & Plate

"And his daughter, you know, is getting married, Jenna Bush. She was on Larry King talking about it. Kind of a big brouhaha with the Republicans going on here, because she said she wasn't sure that she was going to support McCain. She said she's 'open to learning' about the other candidates.' Because they haven't been on TV a lot. But come on, this is kind of a treason in the Bush family. Not supporting a Democrat -- being open to learning. That's outrageous."
Bill Maher

"How about that John McCain? John McCain is the guy, don't you think? I like John McCain. He looks like the kind of guy that walks into Circuit City and says, 'Do you have typewriter ribbons?'"
David Letterman

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

With the current WGA strike, late night television are into repeats (which means no new quips, observations and jokes). Join me as I dig into the vault for some goodies from the 2000 Presidential election.

"Bush has a new campaign slogan. It's 'Reformer with Results' Which I think is a big improvement on the old one: 'A Dumb Guy with Connections.'"
David Letterman
Late Show with David Letterman

On revelations that Bush and Cheney have three DUIs between the two of them...
"We've got drunk and drunker running here. I say we vote for Bush and Cheney just to get them off the damn highway."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"Yes, he said 'subliminable,' but he was probably distracted thinking about executing some criminables."
Jon Stewart
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Concession


"You hear about this? Earlier today computer hackers actually shut down Al Gore for two hours."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show host Jay Leno

Top 10 Changes George W. Bush Will Make in the White House
No. 2 - "Give Oval Office one heck of a scrubbing."
read by George W Bush
Late Show with David Letterman

Top 10 Rejected Gore-Lieberman Campaign Slogans
No. 9 - "Remember America, I gave you the Internet and I can take it away."
read by Al Gore
Late Show with David Letterman

Regarding the 2000 vice-presidential debate...
"A wisecracking Jew and a pathetic bald guy? Nice try, but I liked it better when they called it Seinfeld."
Bill Maher
Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher

Keep smilin'!  :-)

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

"The writers are going on strike on Monday. They are calling this the toughest time for comedy writing since those three weeks back in the '90s when Bill Clinton stopped dating."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"People who are absolutely upset are the folks in the State Department. They want to send them to Iraq. There's a lot of empty positions that need to be filled over there. But the people at the State Department are revolting about this because they say it's dangerous over there. I haven't heard that. ... President Bush is furious. He said, 'If you didn't want to go to a war zone, you shouldn't have joined the State Department. You should have joined the Texas Air National Guard.'"
Bill Maher
Real Time with Bill Maher

Stephen Colbert at Glamour Women of the Year Awards

"Anybody see the Democratic debate? ... Tough night for candidate Bill Richardson. During the entire debate, the only question Tim Russert asked him was, 'And you are?'"
David Letterman
The Late Show with David Letterman

"Pat Philbin, the man who staged a fake FEMA news conference on the California wildfires last week, has lost his promotion because of the event. Which begs the question, 'What does it take to actually get fired from FEMA?'"
Amy Poehler
Saturday Night Live Weekend Update

"It's a special night, nation. Tonight we find out whether my name will appear on the South Carolina Democrat primary ballot. ... I've had my differences with the Democrats in the past. I've called them pansies, twits, losers, Dummocrats, Democrazies and Nazis. But hey, that's all water under their Nazi-bridge if I make it all on the ballot. I can play ball. As they say, when in Sodom, vote Pelosi."
Stephen Colbert
The Colbert Report

"There was another presidential debate last night. The Democrats got together in Philadelphia. It may be time to start voting some of these guys off already. One candidate, who I think we can assume won't get the nomination, is  Congressman Dennis Kucinich. Kucinich yesterday told the  Philadelphia Inquirer that we should seriously start asking questions about President Bush's mental health. As if we haven't been doing that here every night."
Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel Live

"During a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call, which he stopped his speech to answer. Giuliani then told the audience, 'That was my wife reminding me to pick up some milk at the 9-Eleven'"
Seth Meyers
Saturday Night Live Weekend Update

Keep smilin'!  :-)

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

Candidates stumble over campaign don'ts
Thou shalt not wear a shirt and tie at a lobster shack near a New Hampshire beach. Thou shalt not invoke upscale grocery stores while campaigning in farm-rich Iowa. And thou shalt not call South Carolina's Lowcountry "the lowlands".   >>>
Philip Elliott
Associated Press/Breitbart

"In a startling moment during Wednesday's Democratic debate, former Senator Mike Gravel's head exploded. Then, in a chain reaction starting from one candidate's lectern to the next, John Edwards' hair parted itself on the opposite side, Barack Obama's ears flapped uncontrollably, Hillary Clinton instantly shot up in the polls, and Dennis Kucinich simply vanished, leaving his little blue suit splayed out over the podium. ... On Tuesday, candidate Barack Obama proposed setting a goal of eliminating all nuclear weapons in the world. A novel idea. He also hopes to save the polar ice caps, the whales, to make love, not war, and to buy the world a coke."
Chevy Chase
Saturday Night Live Weekend Update

Rudy Giuliani's body language
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"Happy Columbus Day, ladies and gentlemen! ... Hillary Clinton says that although she supported Columbus going into America, she didn't have any idea he would stay indefinitely."
David Letterman
The Late Show with David Letterman

"Anyway, who's still in our coalition? Let's take a look. Romania, they've got 500 people there. That's enough to fill a movie theatre. Many of the Romanians, of course, are vampires. Armenians have got 46 soldiers, that's enough for one of them Atlantic City buses. One of the few places, by the way, more depressing than Iraq. ... And then there's Iceland. They're counted in the coalition as much as the United States is, and they've got enough people to fill a suit. That is not a typo. That is the numeral one. And she wasn't a troop. And she just left."
Jon Stewart
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Top Ten Surprises In Yesterday's Republican Debate 
The Late Show with David Letterman
10. McCain answered all questions with his sock puppet friend "Carl" 
9. Debate was held at Chi-Chi's in Dearborn 
8. The part where Giuliani slugged an audience member was odd 
7. Mitt Romney proposed a big tax cut for guys named "Mitt" -- that's crazy -- who's ever heard of such a thing? 
6. Candidates greeted each other with long, passionate kiss 
No number 5 -- writer seeing hilarious remake of "The Heartbreak Kid" in theatres now 
4. Tom Tancredo admitted even he doesn't know who the hell he is 
3. Eddie Brill claimed the audience was one-third foreigners 
2. Wayne Newton was voted off 
1. Time limit enforced by Cheney with a shotgun

"Hillary Clinton announced this week that she has dropped her plan to give $5,000 to every baby born in America. ... Apparently what happened was, they did a test where they gave $5,000 to 100 babies, and the kids immediately became Republicans."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"Dennis Kucinich has asked that his name be taken off the ballot in the Michigan Democratic primary. Michigan voting officials told Kucinich, 'How 'bout we just put it up high where you can't see it?'"
Conan O'Brien
Late Night with Conan O'Brien

"There was another presidential debate held yesterday. It was a Republican debate held in Dearborn, Michigan. It was 'Law & Order' star Fred Thompson's first presidential debate. I'd say the addition of Fred Thompson has given these debates exactly what they need -- another old white guy."
Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Keep smilin'!   :-)

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

"In an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, Rudy Giuliani said he is guided by Jesus and the Bible, and he doesn't want people to judge his private life. He then said, 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.' And then Mitt Romney hit him in the head with a rock."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"It was announced this week that over the summer, Hillary Clinton's campaign raised $27 million, while Barack Obama's campaign raised $22 million. In a related story, Dennis Kucinich found a nickel between the couch cushions."
Conan O'Brien
Late Night with Conan O'Brien

"Here's good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the bud, didn't he? ... President Bush says he's really going to buckle down now and fight global warming. As a matter of fact, he announced today he's sending 20,000 troops to the sun."
David Letterman
The Late Show with David Letterman

New Heart Device Allows Cheney To Experience Love
Recovering from minor heart surgery Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney stunned both the medical and political establishments when he mysteriously began to experience love for the first time in his life, sources reported Tuesday. >>>

"The Democrats had a very big week this week. They tacked a hate crimes bill onto the war spending bill. ... Apparently, attacks on gays, they said, is also actually terrorism. I don't have time to explain how this bill works, but next year, General Petraeus will be eligible for a Tony."
Bill Maher
Real Time with Bill Maher

"Last week during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call, which he stopped his speech to answer. Giuliani then told the audience, 'That was my wife reminding me to pick up some milk at the 9-Eleven.'"
Seth Meyers
Saturday Night Live Weekend Update

"Sometimes I don't think Congress has America's best interest at heart. For example, when they convene. But every once and a while they pass a bill that restores my faith in the system, like Wednesday's Lieberman-Kyl amendment, which passed by a 76-22 margin and calls on President Bush to declare Iran's Revolutionary Guard a terrorist organization. The president is prosecuting a war on terror. This makes Iran the second front. But not everyone supports our troops enough to give them the job security a war with Iran would provide. People like Senator Jim Webb who voted against the amendment, calling it, 'Dick Cheney's fondest pipe dream.' Well, that is completely unfair. Everyone knows Dick Cheney's fondest pipe dream is driving a bulldozer into the New York Times while drinking crude oil out of Keith Olbermann's skull."
Stephen Colbert
The Colbert Report

Education Accomplished! "Childrens do learn"
Mission accomplished! As recently as three years ago, America's education system was in a shambles. Millions of childrens did not even know that humans and fish can peacefully coexist. >>>

"As you know, if you are a minority or an interest group, the Democrats will hold a debate at your house, whereas Republicans take a slightly different approach. They have a big tent, you're just not allowed in it."
Jon Stewart
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Regarding the Republican presidential candidates skipping the PBS minority-issue debate
"Sure, blacks may be getting ignored now, but isn't that just getting them warmed up for next year, when they're really going to be ignored?"
Larry Wilmore
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Keep smilin'!!   :-)

-RSKnopfJr