Flag City Politico

Time Out for Humor

"So here's what happened on Tuesday. Hillary Clinton barely won my home state of Indiana. And she lost in the state of North Carolina. But here is the good news. She has a substantial lead in the state of denial."
David Letterman

"A lot of pressure now on Hillary Clinton to drop out of the race. She didn't do so well in the primaries the other night. A lot of pressure. And it's been reported, this is the latest, that Barack Obama's campaign is negotiating with Hillary Clinton for her to go away. ... And when he heard this, Bill Clinton said, 'I'd love to know how that works.'"
Conan O'Brien

Panderer's Box

"As I'm sure you know by now, Hillary Clinton is not throwing in the pantsuit. No, siree Bob. In fact, the 'New York Times' reported the other night, while they were on stage, you know, Bill Clinton actually wiped away a tear. This is true. And when Hillary saw it, she said, 'Don't worry, Bill, I'll always be here with you.' And he said, 'Don't make it worse!'"
Jay Leno

"One thing about getting eliminated on 'American Idol,' you have to leave. Unlike the race for president, where Hillary Clinton won't. After last night she now has almost no chance of winning the Democratic nomination, but she's still in it. She says she is staying in this race until the bitter end, or at least until Bill takes the sock off the door handle at their house."
Jimmy Kimmel

A Message from the Next President of the United States

"Nation, the more I learn about John McCain, the more I like his maverick spirit. For instance, his critics say he's too old. So what does McCain do? He keeps aging. The politically expedient thing would be to grow younger. McCain clearly doesn't care what the polls say. But there is one recent NBC/Wall Street Journal poll that he should pay attention to. It found that 32% of Americans consider Barack Obama's connection to Reverand Wright a major concern. But 43% are concerned about John McCain's connection to George Bush. In other words, the biggest political albatross heading into November is George Bush. That is a shame, especially considering everything President Bush has done to ensure the extinction of albatrosses."
Stephen Colbert

"I was thinking about this, and I'm no political genius. I'm no pundit, but it occurred to me that Hillary Clinton has one thing in common with President Bush. Neither of them has an exit strategy."
David Letterman

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

"How 'bout that John McCain, you like John McCain? I like John McCain. He looks like a guy who goes grocery shopping and yells at the bagboy, 'Put the eggs on top. Hey, hey junior, put the eggs on top.' He looks like a guy who still calls the TV the 'Idiot Box.' ... He looks like a guy you take shopping and have to yell into the changing room, 'Everything alright in there, pop?'"
David Letterman

"I guess you heard, Barack Obama's former pastor, Reverend Wright, is now traveling the country trying to explain those controversial remarks he made in some of his sermons. And even Barack Obama is starting to admit it's hurting his campaign. In fact, you know what Barack Obama did today to distract reporters from Reverend Wright? He went bowling again."
Jay Leno

Top 10 Surprising Facts about Barack Obama

"Barack Obama announced that after all the insulting comments and bitterness, he is severing his 20-year relationship with Reverend Wright. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Wait, you can do that with someone?'"
Conan O'Brien

"David Blaine today broke the world record for holding his breath, on 'Oprah' - 17 minutes, four seconds. Blaine has now frozen himself, he's starved himself, he's gone without sleep for weeks, and deprived himself of oxygen. Today, Dick Cheney said, 'See, it's not torture. It's magic.'"
Jimmy Kimmel

"Hillary Clinton announced today she'll appear on 'The O'Reilly Factor.' That should be a great confrontation. On one side, a loudmouthed bully who wants to tear apart the Democratic Party and on the other side, there's Bill O'Reilly."
Craig Ferguson

The Word - Separation of Church & Plate

"And his daughter, you know, is getting married, Jenna Bush. She was on Larry King talking about it. Kind of a big brouhaha with the Republicans going on here, because she said she wasn't sure that she was going to support McCain. She said she's 'open to learning' about the other candidates.' Because they haven't been on TV a lot. But come on, this is kind of a treason in the Bush family. Not supporting a Democrat -- being open to learning. That's outrageous."
Bill Maher

"How about that John McCain? John McCain is the guy, don't you think? I like John McCain. He looks like the kind of guy that walks into Circuit City and says, 'Do you have typewriter ribbons?'"
David Letterman

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

With the current WGA strike, late night television are into repeats (which means no new quips, observations and jokes). Join me as I dig into the vault for some goodies from the 2000 Presidential election.

"Bush has a new campaign slogan. It's 'Reformer with Results' Which I think is a big improvement on the old one: 'A Dumb Guy with Connections.'"
David Letterman
Late Show with David Letterman

On revelations that Bush and Cheney have three DUIs between the two of them...
"We've got drunk and drunker running here. I say we vote for Bush and Cheney just to get them off the damn highway."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"Yes, he said 'subliminable,' but he was probably distracted thinking about executing some criminables."
Jon Stewart
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Concession


"You hear about this? Earlier today computer hackers actually shut down Al Gore for two hours."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show host Jay Leno

Top 10 Changes George W. Bush Will Make in the White House
No. 2 - "Give Oval Office one heck of a scrubbing."
read by George W Bush
Late Show with David Letterman

Top 10 Rejected Gore-Lieberman Campaign Slogans
No. 9 - "Remember America, I gave you the Internet and I can take it away."
read by Al Gore
Late Show with David Letterman

Regarding the 2000 vice-presidential debate...
"A wisecracking Jew and a pathetic bald guy? Nice try, but I liked it better when they called it Seinfeld."
Bill Maher
Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher

Keep smilin'!  :-)

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

"The writers are going on strike on Monday. They are calling this the toughest time for comedy writing since those three weeks back in the '90s when Bill Clinton stopped dating."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"People who are absolutely upset are the folks in the State Department. They want to send them to Iraq. There's a lot of empty positions that need to be filled over there. But the people at the State Department are revolting about this because they say it's dangerous over there. I haven't heard that. ... President Bush is furious. He said, 'If you didn't want to go to a war zone, you shouldn't have joined the State Department. You should have joined the Texas Air National Guard.'"
Bill Maher
Real Time with Bill Maher

Stephen Colbert at Glamour Women of the Year Awards

"Anybody see the Democratic debate? ... Tough night for candidate Bill Richardson. During the entire debate, the only question Tim Russert asked him was, 'And you are?'"
David Letterman
The Late Show with David Letterman

"Pat Philbin, the man who staged a fake FEMA news conference on the California wildfires last week, has lost his promotion because of the event. Which begs the question, 'What does it take to actually get fired from FEMA?'"
Amy Poehler
Saturday Night Live Weekend Update

"It's a special night, nation. Tonight we find out whether my name will appear on the South Carolina Democrat primary ballot. ... I've had my differences with the Democrats in the past. I've called them pansies, twits, losers, Dummocrats, Democrazies and Nazis. But hey, that's all water under their Nazi-bridge if I make it all on the ballot. I can play ball. As they say, when in Sodom, vote Pelosi."
Stephen Colbert
The Colbert Report

"There was another presidential debate last night. The Democrats got together in Philadelphia. It may be time to start voting some of these guys off already. One candidate, who I think we can assume won't get the nomination, is  Congressman Dennis Kucinich. Kucinich yesterday told the  Philadelphia Inquirer that we should seriously start asking questions about President Bush's mental health. As if we haven't been doing that here every night."
Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel Live

"During a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call, which he stopped his speech to answer. Giuliani then told the audience, 'That was my wife reminding me to pick up some milk at the 9-Eleven'"
Seth Meyers
Saturday Night Live Weekend Update

Keep smilin'!  :-)

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

Candidates stumble over campaign don'ts
Thou shalt not wear a shirt and tie at a lobster shack near a New Hampshire beach. Thou shalt not invoke upscale grocery stores while campaigning in farm-rich Iowa. And thou shalt not call South Carolina's Lowcountry "the lowlands".   >>>
Philip Elliott
Associated Press/Breitbart

"In a startling moment during Wednesday's Democratic debate, former Senator Mike Gravel's head exploded. Then, in a chain reaction starting from one candidate's lectern to the next, John Edwards' hair parted itself on the opposite side, Barack Obama's ears flapped uncontrollably, Hillary Clinton instantly shot up in the polls, and Dennis Kucinich simply vanished, leaving his little blue suit splayed out over the podium. ... On Tuesday, candidate Barack Obama proposed setting a goal of eliminating all nuclear weapons in the world. A novel idea. He also hopes to save the polar ice caps, the whales, to make love, not war, and to buy the world a coke."
Chevy Chase
Saturday Night Live Weekend Update

Rudy Giuliani's body language
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"Happy Columbus Day, ladies and gentlemen! ... Hillary Clinton says that although she supported Columbus going into America, she didn't have any idea he would stay indefinitely."
David Letterman
The Late Show with David Letterman

"Anyway, who's still in our coalition? Let's take a look. Romania, they've got 500 people there. That's enough to fill a movie theatre. Many of the Romanians, of course, are vampires. Armenians have got 46 soldiers, that's enough for one of them Atlantic City buses. One of the few places, by the way, more depressing than Iraq. ... And then there's Iceland. They're counted in the coalition as much as the United States is, and they've got enough people to fill a suit. That is not a typo. That is the numeral one. And she wasn't a troop. And she just left."
Jon Stewart
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Top Ten Surprises In Yesterday's Republican Debate 
The Late Show with David Letterman
10. McCain answered all questions with his sock puppet friend "Carl" 
9. Debate was held at Chi-Chi's in Dearborn 
8. The part where Giuliani slugged an audience member was odd 
7. Mitt Romney proposed a big tax cut for guys named "Mitt" -- that's crazy -- who's ever heard of such a thing? 
6. Candidates greeted each other with long, passionate kiss 
No number 5 -- writer seeing hilarious remake of "The Heartbreak Kid" in theatres now 
4. Tom Tancredo admitted even he doesn't know who the hell he is 
3. Eddie Brill claimed the audience was one-third foreigners 
2. Wayne Newton was voted off 
1. Time limit enforced by Cheney with a shotgun

"Hillary Clinton announced this week that she has dropped her plan to give $5,000 to every baby born in America. ... Apparently what happened was, they did a test where they gave $5,000 to 100 babies, and the kids immediately became Republicans."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"Dennis Kucinich has asked that his name be taken off the ballot in the Michigan Democratic primary. Michigan voting officials told Kucinich, 'How 'bout we just put it up high where you can't see it?'"
Conan O'Brien
Late Night with Conan O'Brien

"There was another presidential debate held yesterday. It was a Republican debate held in Dearborn, Michigan. It was 'Law & Order' star Fred Thompson's first presidential debate. I'd say the addition of Fred Thompson has given these debates exactly what they need -- another old white guy."
Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Keep smilin'!   :-)

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

"In an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, Rudy Giuliani said he is guided by Jesus and the Bible, and he doesn't want people to judge his private life. He then said, 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.' And then Mitt Romney hit him in the head with a rock."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"It was announced this week that over the summer, Hillary Clinton's campaign raised $27 million, while Barack Obama's campaign raised $22 million. In a related story, Dennis Kucinich found a nickel between the couch cushions."
Conan O'Brien
Late Night with Conan O'Brien

"Here's good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the bud, didn't he? ... President Bush says he's really going to buckle down now and fight global warming. As a matter of fact, he announced today he's sending 20,000 troops to the sun."
David Letterman
The Late Show with David Letterman

New Heart Device Allows Cheney To Experience Love
Recovering from minor heart surgery Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney stunned both the medical and political establishments when he mysteriously began to experience love for the first time in his life, sources reported Tuesday. >>>

"The Democrats had a very big week this week. They tacked a hate crimes bill onto the war spending bill. ... Apparently, attacks on gays, they said, is also actually terrorism. I don't have time to explain how this bill works, but next year, General Petraeus will be eligible for a Tony."
Bill Maher
Real Time with Bill Maher

"Last week during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call, which he stopped his speech to answer. Giuliani then told the audience, 'That was my wife reminding me to pick up some milk at the 9-Eleven.'"
Seth Meyers
Saturday Night Live Weekend Update

"Sometimes I don't think Congress has America's best interest at heart. For example, when they convene. But every once and a while they pass a bill that restores my faith in the system, like Wednesday's Lieberman-Kyl amendment, which passed by a 76-22 margin and calls on President Bush to declare Iran's Revolutionary Guard a terrorist organization. The president is prosecuting a war on terror. This makes Iran the second front. But not everyone supports our troops enough to give them the job security a war with Iran would provide. People like Senator Jim Webb who voted against the amendment, calling it, 'Dick Cheney's fondest pipe dream.' Well, that is completely unfair. Everyone knows Dick Cheney's fondest pipe dream is driving a bulldozer into the New York Times while drinking crude oil out of Keith Olbermann's skull."
Stephen Colbert
The Colbert Report

Education Accomplished! "Childrens do learn"
Mission accomplished! As recently as three years ago, America's education system was in a shambles. Millions of childrens did not even know that humans and fish can peacefully coexist. >>>

"As you know, if you are a minority or an interest group, the Democrats will hold a debate at your house, whereas Republicans take a slightly different approach. They have a big tent, you're just not allowed in it."
Jon Stewart
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Regarding the Republican presidential candidates skipping the PBS minority-issue debate
"Sure, blacks may be getting ignored now, but isn't that just getting them warmed up for next year, when they're really going to be ignored?"
Larry Wilmore
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Keep smilin'!!   :-)

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

"Arnold Schwarzenegger got together with Al Gore for a climate change summit. Even though he's a Republican and Al Gore's a Democrat, it's good they could talk robot to robot."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"Yesterday at a global conference on poverty and education, former President Bill Clinton met with actress Angelina Jolie. Before the meeting, Clinton looked at himself in the mirror, took a deep breath, and said, 'Bill, this is moment you've been training for your whole life.'"
Conan O'Brien
Late Night with Conan O'Brien

"As you all know, America is facing a health care crisis ... in that the Democrats are trying to provide health care. Every Democratic presidential candidate has a plan to just give away health insurance. From Obama, Edwards and Hillary's mandatory coverage plans, which would all be funded by repealing Bush's tax cuts, to Mike Gravel's plan of rummaging through pharmacy dumpsters, which he would pay for by playing the saw on the subway."
Stephen Colbert
The Colbert Report

"There was a debate between the Republican candidates for president in Baltimore tonight. The debate focused on minority issues, and it was at Morgan State University, which is a black college. ... None of the top four Republican candidates were there. Giuliani, McCain, Romney and Thompson -- not one of them showed up. Apparently, they all had scheduling conflicts that prevented them from going to a place where nobody will vote for them."
Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel Live

"But did you see Ahmadinejad's speech at the U.N.? One odd moment: In the middle of the speech, he took a cell phone call from Mrs. Giuliani."
David Letterman
The Late Show with David Letterman

"With the streets here gridlocked by security, how would Ahmadinejad have the time to make all these commitments? Simple. He gets to drive in the Holocaust Deniers Lane. One thing you can't deny is the time you'll save."
Jon Stewart
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Keep smilin'!   :-)

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

"Yesterday at a campaign fundraiser, Hillary Clinton criticized Vice President Cheney and called him 'Darth Vader.' Cheney denied it and said, 'Darth Vader is evil, half-machine and always wears a cape. And I don't own a cape.'"
Conan O'Brien

"There are now allegations that New England Patriots Coach Bill Belichick may have tampered with the stadium's audio frequencies to eavesdrop on the other teams' conversations. But the good news of these spying allegations is that today Belichick was offered a job with the Bush administration."
Jay Leno

Fred Thompson Fears Presidential Run Will Typecast Him As Politician
Veteran character actor and Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson expressed worries to reporters Tuesday that a successful White House bid could spell "total career death." >>>
The Onion

"Tonight we talk about the video we've all seen, the video of the University of Florida student, Andrew Meyer, being tasered at a John Kerry speech. By the way, considered one of the most pleasant outcomes of attending a Kerry speech. Many people, from what I've seen, choose to be tasered."
Jon Stewart

"Mexican President Vicente Fox has a new book coming out. In it, he says ... George Bush is the cockiest guy he's ever met. Apparently, the first time they met, Bush kept demanding to meet the Taco Bell chihuahua. ... Fox also says Bush speaks grade school Spanish. Well, in fairness, he speaks grade school English too."
Jimmy Kimmel

Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Mitt Romney
The Late Show with David Letterman 
10. Name is short for "Mitzi"
9. In favor of tax-cuts for hunky, white dudes 
8. Starts each day by wrasslin' a gator 
7. Made his fortune selling counterfeit Prada handbags 
6. Won NRA endorsement by vowing to shoot twice as many old guys as Cheney 
5. Once defeated Chuck Liddell for Ultimate Fighting Championship title
4. Is the model on packages of Jockey underpants 
3. When he leaves politics, plans to spend golden years with his hair 
2. Would be the first Mitt in the White House since Mitt Quincy Adams 
1. Besides Hillary, only candidate who wears a bra

"At the California Republican State Convention last Friday, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was forced to whip out one of his trademark cinematic gems, saying the Republican Party is 'dying at the box office.' And I take very seriously warnings about dying at the box office from the man who made 'Jingle All The Way.'"
Stephen Colbert

"How many saw the president's speech last night? He pre-empted regular programming, which is nice, because viewers tuning in to see 'Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader' for once got to feel they actually were. Yeah, he offered really no new strategy that I saw, but, of course, a new slogan: 'Return on Success.' Sounds like a Dr. Phil book."
Bill Maher

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

"Everybody's talking about the MTV Awards. ... Did anybody see Britney Spears? ... They said that she appeared sluggish. They said she was glassy-eyed. Sounds to me like somebody could use another hour in rehab. ... Although, General Petraeus thought it went quite well."
David Letterman
The Late Show with David Letterman

"Intelligence officials believe that video of Osama bin Laden that came out last week is authentic. This is his first new tape in almost three years. I guess he wanted to time his comeback to coincide with Britney Spears."
Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel Live

The New Axis of Evil

"Now one man the Lefties are not going to mess with is former Tennessee Senator and pretend Admiral Fred Thompson, who last week officially announced he was running for president. Who saw that coming? You could have knocked me over with his remaining hair. Now Thompson announced the same way Lincoln did ... on his website. In the next few years, serious challenges, dangerous time, grave issues. No other candidate has not quite said what America might possibly face more eloquently than Fred Thompson."
Stephen Colbert
The Colbert Report

"Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson are now tied neck and neck in national polls. Actually, you know, if they were on the ticket together, that would be a tough team for the Democrats to beat. I mean, if they could just get all their ex-wives to vote for them."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

41

"The general had hard data. He backed up his arguments with real numbers, charts of sectarian death, graphs of car bombs, tables of troop levels because it's an important reminder that our troops and the Iraqis aren't just fathers, sons, mothers and sisters, they're also statistics."
Jon Stewart
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

"Another big day on Capitol Hill. General Petraeus testified again today before Congress about the Iraq war. Some Democrats are claiming that Petraeus' answers are scripted by President Bush. Which explains Petraeus' use of the word 'surgerrific.'"
Conan O'Brien
Late Night with Conan O'Brien

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

"President Bush announced he plans to help out homeowners in this mortgage-lending crisis thing that's going on. He said millions of people could lose their house, and you know, he knows what he's talking about. Last November he lost a House and the Senate."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"How about that President Bush, he makes that surprise trip to Iraq. Was pretty impressive don't you think? He spent a few quick hours visiting with the troops, and then he left. You know, it was just like his days in the National Guard."
David Letterman
The Late Show with David Letterman

Too Old To Be President?

"President Bush is very busy. Tomorrow President Bush is scheduled to meet with Chinese President Hu Jintao. President Bush says he plans to deliver a message of 'concern and encouragement,' or as Bush calls it, 'concouragement'."
Conan O'Brien
Late Night with Conan O'Brien

"Alberto Gonzales resigned this week. Our Attorney Generalisimo. President Bush said he was looking for a replacement, someone equally versed in the law. In fact, he's out front of Home Depot right now picking up some guys."
Bill Maher
Real Time with Bill Maher

Our Representative To The World

"On the Democratic side of things, Oprah Winfrey is throwing a huge fundraiser for Barack Obama on Saturday on the grounds of the Promise Land, that's her huge ... estate on Montecito, California. It's projected to raise $3 million, $2 million of which is expected to come from the 'Dunk Steadman' booth."
Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel Live

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

"Alberto Gonzales is stepping down, but he can't recall why."
David Letterman
The Late Show with David Letterman

Hillary Clinton's Top 10 Campaign Promises
The Late Show with David Letterman

"The good news is that President Bush's daughter, Jenna Bush, is engaged. The bad news is she is marrying Rudolph Giuliani. ... Dick Cheney is hoping for a shotgun wedding. ... Jenna announced her engagement two weeks ago, although President Bush knew about it over a month ago from some wiretaps. ... If you'd like to get the young couple something for the wedding, they are registered at Mobil, Exxon and Shell."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"Needless to say, Senator Craig is also anti-gay marriage and gays in the military, which I think, shows he doesn't let his personal needs interfere with his work...the police report says he tapped his foot, which means 'I want sex.' And, also means I'll never wear my iPod to the bathroom again."
Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Dragnet 2007
Countdown with Keith Olberman

"Yesterday in Washington, a couple of pranksters covered Karl Rove's car in bumper stickers that read, 'I Love Obama.' Karl Rove laughed about it then had the pranksters murdered."
Conan O'Brien
Late Night with Conan O'Brien

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

Remember to take time to smile and laugh...

"You like presidential birthdays? Oh! Who doesn't. Well, over the weekend former president Bill Clinton turned 61, 61! Happy birthday Bill. Bill enjoyed a romantic candlelight dinner and dancing, then he went home to Hillary."
David Letterman
The Late Show with David Letterman

"But let's get through some other hits. Do decisive politics [on screen: Rove saying, 'What I try to do is serve a president whose attitude was let's find ways to bring the country together']. And that would be who? Oh, unless, oh my God, Karl Rove's been moonlighting for the president of Match.com."
Jon Stewart
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

The difference between Republicans & Democrats
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.

The republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, He decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republicans pocket and gave him fifty dollars.

"I guess it's no wonder that a poll out this summer put 'None of the Above' over all of the other Republican candidates. And if 'None of the Above' does get the Republican nomination, you know two things will happen: a) the Democrats will find a way to lose to him, and b) Bush will try to call and congratulate him."
Bill Maher

"Indiana Congressman Mike Pence hit the nail on the head. If there's one thing that everyone I've talked to can agree on, it's that Iraq is exactly like an Indiana market in the summertime. ... This is the sort of place where people don't even lock their doors at night. Heck, most people don't even have doors."
Rob Riggle
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

The Two Bills

Top Ten Good Things About Marrying Into The Bush Family
The Late Show with David Letterman
10. Great deals on Fallujah honeymoon
9. You'll inherit President Bush's extensive collection of Chuck Norris memorabilia
8. It's a good bet the wedding reception will have an open bar
7. Might see Cheney shoot an old guy-- still a reference, folks
6. Learning from grandma Barbara how to spit chaw
5. Every Wednesday is Taco Night
4. What could be more fascinating than learning what makes Jeb tick?
3. If half the family hates you, you still have better approval rating that George Bush
2. W. can lend you the "Mission Accomplished" banner to put up in the bedroom
1. Little chance you'll be the dumbest guy in the family

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

I was in Columbus yesterday (more on that later this week), so here is a special Monday edition of FCPolitico funnies for your personal or private amusement...

"Today in Washington, President Bush met with the president of Afghanistan, who was wearing that hat and the robe. ... President Bush was a little confused. He thought he was meeting the professor from the Hogwarts school."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"Earlier this week at a campaign event in Utah, hundreds of people showed up to hear a speech by Barack Obama. After Obama's speech, the Utah crowd said, 'That was great. Now let us know if an Asian guy ever comes to town.'"
Conan O'Brien
Late Night with Conan O'Brien

Interview with the Vice-President


"A lot of people were wondering whether President Bush would acknowledge the record. He did. In fact, he told Neil Cavuto on Fox News today that he spoke to Barry Bonds on the phone. ... See that. He does care about black people after all. ... He probably just wanted to take the rare opportunity to talk to someone whose approval rating is lower than his is."
Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel Live

The New War on Terror


"Mitt Romney -- the only candidate named after a glove, one of the leading Republicans, he's called the war on terror the defining mission of our generation -- was asked in Iowa today why none of his five draft-age or army eligible sons are serving in the military. He said -- and this is a quote, people -- 'One of the ways my sons are showing support for the nation is helping me get elected, 'cause they think I'd make a great president.' When I read that, I was moved ... and I'll tell you why. To know that the Romney boys love America so much and the whole family that they're willing to give up all five of their boys for the Romney campaign. Who knows what kind of post-traumatic care these boys will need after the election?"
Jon Stewart
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor - The Simpsons

The Simpsons Political Trivia Quiz

"Ooh! A political discussion at our table. I feel like a Kennedy!
Lisa Simpson

"Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?"
Homer Simpson

"Hello, is this President Clinton? Good! I figured if anyone knew where to get some Tang it would be you."
Homer Simpson

The Simpsons make fun of Fox News

"America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!"
Homer Simpson

"The city of Washington was built on a stagnant swamp some two hundred years ago and very little has changed; it stank then and it stinks now. Only today, it is the fetid stench of corruption that hangs in the air."
Lisa Simpson

"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true."
Homer Simpson

Top Ten: Why I, Homer Simpson, Should Be President

"Marge, I agree with you -- in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory."
Homer Simpson

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
Homer Simpson

"Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool, gory pictures."
Bart Simpson

The Great Debate

"An election!? That's one of those deals where they close the bars isn't it?"
Barney Gumbel

-RSKnopfJr

Time out for humor

"John Edwards is continuing his poverty tour around America. Today, he visited a group of people who get their haircut in a place called a 'barber shop.' He was horrified to hear that story."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"Nation, I've got to be honest with you. I'm bored. Every day it is the same thing. Iraq this, Iraq that. I don't want to talk about Iraq anymore. ... Besides, all this war analysis is just spoilers. Hey New York Times, I didn't ruin Harry Potter for you, don't ruin this war for me. Can't we all just wait until September when General Petraeus comes to Washington and tells us the ending?"
Stephen Colbert
The Colbert Report

Chris Dodd's White Hare

"Yesterday, because it was a weekday, Alberto Gonzales was called to testify. Now I've said before that Alberto Gonzales' logic is well, mind numbing. But during yesterday's testimony, he became the K2 of obfuscation."
Jon Stewart
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

"Over the weekend, President Bush had his annual physical and he had one of those colonoscopies. Now he knows what it feels like to be invaded. ... He's okay, although he was slightly injured trying to say the word 'colonoscopy.' ... It was long, but a successful procedure. They removed five polyps and ten Al Gore ballots."
David Letterman
The Late Show with David Letterman

The Hillary Show

-RSKnopfJr

Time out for humor

"Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore has dropped out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination. Gilmore said he dropped out because, 'I don't have the star power of a Tom Tancredo or a Mike Huckabee'"
Conan O'Brien
Late Night with Conan O'Brien

"Just because some Republican senators have recently spoken out against the war does not mean they should be forced to actually vote against it. It's like a relationship -- you just have to trust how they feel. Don't make them say those three little words -- end the war. ... Besides, this whole staying up all night thing is just a partisan stunt. Like Mitch McConnell said, 'it is theater, and bad theater at that.' Yes, it is the worst theater since the Democrats held the Senate for a full production of 'Cats.' Though Harry Reid did shine as Mungo Jerry."
Stephen Colbert
The Colbert Report

Why outsiders like our two-party system...

"CNN found out which celebrities are donating money to which presidential campaigns. See if you notice any kind of a pattern here. Hillary Clinton's campaign got money from Paul Newman, Tobey Macguire, Tom Hanks, and Ben Stiller. Barack Obama got donations from Will Smith, Cedric the Entertainer, Isaiah Washington, and Jamie Foxx. ... And Dennis Kucinich, he actually got some celebrity money. He got checks from Verne Troyer, Emmanuel Lewis, Dr. Ruth, and Papa Smurf. ... They say as goes Papa Smurf, so goes the South."
Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel Live

"So why did this all-night session happen? Because while Democrats have a majority in the Senate, they don't have the 60-vote supermajority needed to bring bills like this to a vote, thus forcing the Democrats to stay up all night to prevent the Republicans from staging an all-night, vote-blocking filibuster. You can see why we're fighting so hard to export this type of government to Iraq"
Jon Stewart
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

What happens before Tom Brokaw goes on vacation? He prepares...

"Hillary Clinton was at the Senate all night. And you know what that means ... the coast was clear for Bill"
David Letterman
The Late Show with David Letterman

"As you know, the Democrats want to pull the troops out of Iraq in 120 days, 'cause the Iraqi government has only met eight of the 18 benchmarks we have set. They've had eight accomplishments. You know something? That's more than our Congress has had."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

-RSKnopfJr

Time out for humor

"John Edwards is on the campaign trail. He's now doing something called his 'Poverty Tour', where he's visiting people who have no money and no hope. In fact, his first stop today: John McCain's headquarters."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"You hear about this? Al Gore's son was arrested speeding, doing 100 miles an hour. And Al has already made a movie about it, it's called, 'An Inconvenient Son.'"
David Letterman
The Late Show with David Letterman

"This week, former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani said he is opposed to medical marijuana. However, Giuliani did said he is a huge supporter of medical Rogaine."
Conan O'Brien
Late Night with Conan O'Brien

Spinal Tap Reunites for Live Earth To Fight Global Warming

Cheney Declares Himself National Monument
Latest Attempt to Dodge Subpoena
Borowitz Report

Al Gore to defer Presidential run
Until global warming burns up the South
Don Davis

-RSKnopfJr

Time out for humor

"Experts say the price of milk could rise to as much as $4 a gallon. $4 a gallon for milk? I didn't know Dick Cheney was involved with the dairy industry"
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"Not a Democrat, not a Republican? Mayor Bloomberg, how can I launch partisan attacks at you if you don't have any partisans?"
Stephen Colbert
The Colbert Report

"Scooter Libby was found guilty of perjury, obstruction, and making false statements -- or as the White House calls it, a press conference."
Bill Maher

"Even though it's a little bit controversial, President Bush supports the effort to make English our national language. The president says making English our national language is not 'discriminatious.'"
Conan O'Brien
Late Night with Conan O'Brien

-RSKnopfJr

Time out for humor

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, “What’s your IQ?”

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituallity, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, “This is really cool.” He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, “What’s your IQ?”

The man responds, “about a 100.”

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women’s breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, “What’s your IQ?”

The man replies, “Er, 50, I think.”

And the robot says… real slowly,

“So…………… ya gonna vote for Bush again?”

author unknown

"Barack Obama's Web site is featuring downloadable ring tones for your cell phone. Finally, a way for potential candidates to annoy you while you're at a restaurant or movie theater."
Jon Stewart
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

"It's a great day for Hillary Clinton. She chose a song for her campaign. She's chosen a song by Celine Dion. Is that wise, choosing a Celine Dion song? Cause you know, she is a singer best known for the theme to a sinking ship?"
Craig Ferguson
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

"Tony Blair meets with the Pope, hopefully he'll get the Swiss Guard deployed to Iraq. Plus, the administration considers closing Gitmo, I assume because it's cheaper to store our prisoners in India."
Stephen Colbert
The Colbert Report

"Elizabeth Edwards called Ann Coulter on Chris Matthews' 'Hardball' yesterday to complain about the attacks on her husband. See, it's a good thing Coulter hadn't attacked Rudy Giuliani, or she would have had three angry wives calling."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

-RSKnopfJr

Time out for humor

After the last two debates, I wanted to relax for an evening. Here is a sampling of what has been going on in late-night the past few weeks.

Time out for Humor

There have been a few days when I just don't feel like delving into heavy political issues, and watching one more talk show or visiting one more website is akin to a visit to the dentist.

On these rare occasions, I like to take a break and recharge my batteries (a fine metaphor if there ever was one). Join me by watching a couple of funny videos that take a look back at the 2000 Presidential election, and what could have been.

I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy bringing them to you.

-RSKnopfJr