Flag City Politico

Time Out for Humor

"Arnold Schwarzenegger got together with Al Gore for a climate change summit. Even though he's a Republican and Al Gore's a Democrat, it's good they could talk robot to robot."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"Yesterday at a global conference on poverty and education, former President Bill Clinton met with actress Angelina Jolie. Before the meeting, Clinton looked at himself in the mirror, took a deep breath, and said, 'Bill, this is moment you've been training for your whole life.'"
Conan O'Brien
Late Night with Conan O'Brien

"As you all know, America is facing a health care crisis ... in that the Democrats are trying to provide health care. Every Democratic presidential candidate has a plan to just give away health insurance. From Obama, Edwards and Hillary's mandatory coverage plans, which would all be funded by repealing Bush's tax cuts, to Mike Gravel's plan of rummaging through pharmacy dumpsters, which he would pay for by playing the saw on the subway."
Stephen Colbert
The Colbert Report

"There was a debate between the Republican candidates for president in Baltimore tonight. The debate focused on minority issues, and it was at Morgan State University, which is a black college. ... None of the top four Republican candidates were there. Giuliani, McCain, Romney and Thompson -- not one of them showed up. Apparently, they all had scheduling conflicts that prevented them from going to a place where nobody will vote for them."
Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel Live

"But did you see Ahmadinejad's speech at the U.N.? One odd moment: In the middle of the speech, he took a cell phone call from Mrs. Giuliani."
David Letterman
The Late Show with David Letterman

"With the streets here gridlocked by security, how would Ahmadinejad have the time to make all these commitments? Simple. He gets to drive in the Holocaust Deniers Lane. One thing you can't deny is the time you'll save."
Jon Stewart
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Keep smilin'!   :-)

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

"Yesterday at a campaign fundraiser, Hillary Clinton criticized Vice President Cheney and called him 'Darth Vader.' Cheney denied it and said, 'Darth Vader is evil, half-machine and always wears a cape. And I don't own a cape.'"
Conan O'Brien

"There are now allegations that New England Patriots Coach Bill Belichick may have tampered with the stadium's audio frequencies to eavesdrop on the other teams' conversations. But the good news of these spying allegations is that today Belichick was offered a job with the Bush administration."
Jay Leno

Fred Thompson Fears Presidential Run Will Typecast Him As Politician
Veteran character actor and Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson expressed worries to reporters Tuesday that a successful White House bid could spell "total career death." >>>
The Onion

"Tonight we talk about the video we've all seen, the video of the University of Florida student, Andrew Meyer, being tasered at a John Kerry speech. By the way, considered one of the most pleasant outcomes of attending a Kerry speech. Many people, from what I've seen, choose to be tasered."
Jon Stewart

"Mexican President Vicente Fox has a new book coming out. In it, he says ... George Bush is the cockiest guy he's ever met. Apparently, the first time they met, Bush kept demanding to meet the Taco Bell chihuahua. ... Fox also says Bush speaks grade school Spanish. Well, in fairness, he speaks grade school English too."
Jimmy Kimmel

Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Mitt Romney
The Late Show with David Letterman 
10. Name is short for "Mitzi"
9. In favor of tax-cuts for hunky, white dudes 
8. Starts each day by wrasslin' a gator 
7. Made his fortune selling counterfeit Prada handbags 
6. Won NRA endorsement by vowing to shoot twice as many old guys as Cheney 
5. Once defeated Chuck Liddell for Ultimate Fighting Championship title
4. Is the model on packages of Jockey underpants 
3. When he leaves politics, plans to spend golden years with his hair 
2. Would be the first Mitt in the White House since Mitt Quincy Adams 
1. Besides Hillary, only candidate who wears a bra

"At the California Republican State Convention last Friday, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was forced to whip out one of his trademark cinematic gems, saying the Republican Party is 'dying at the box office.' And I take very seriously warnings about dying at the box office from the man who made 'Jingle All The Way.'"
Stephen Colbert

"How many saw the president's speech last night? He pre-empted regular programming, which is nice, because viewers tuning in to see 'Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader' for once got to feel they actually were. Yeah, he offered really no new strategy that I saw, but, of course, a new slogan: 'Return on Success.' Sounds like a Dr. Phil book."
Bill Maher

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

"Everybody's talking about the MTV Awards. ... Did anybody see Britney Spears? ... They said that she appeared sluggish. They said she was glassy-eyed. Sounds to me like somebody could use another hour in rehab. ... Although, General Petraeus thought it went quite well."
David Letterman
The Late Show with David Letterman

"Intelligence officials believe that video of Osama bin Laden that came out last week is authentic. This is his first new tape in almost three years. I guess he wanted to time his comeback to coincide with Britney Spears."
Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel Live

The New Axis of Evil

"Now one man the Lefties are not going to mess with is former Tennessee Senator and pretend Admiral Fred Thompson, who last week officially announced he was running for president. Who saw that coming? You could have knocked me over with his remaining hair. Now Thompson announced the same way Lincoln did ... on his website. In the next few years, serious challenges, dangerous time, grave issues. No other candidate has not quite said what America might possibly face more eloquently than Fred Thompson."
Stephen Colbert
The Colbert Report

"Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson are now tied neck and neck in national polls. Actually, you know, if they were on the ticket together, that would be a tough team for the Democrats to beat. I mean, if they could just get all their ex-wives to vote for them."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

41

"The general had hard data. He backed up his arguments with real numbers, charts of sectarian death, graphs of car bombs, tables of troop levels because it's an important reminder that our troops and the Iraqis aren't just fathers, sons, mothers and sisters, they're also statistics."
Jon Stewart
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

"Another big day on Capitol Hill. General Petraeus testified again today before Congress about the Iraq war. Some Democrats are claiming that Petraeus' answers are scripted by President Bush. Which explains Petraeus' use of the word 'surgerrific.'"
Conan O'Brien
Late Night with Conan O'Brien

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

"President Bush announced he plans to help out homeowners in this mortgage-lending crisis thing that's going on. He said millions of people could lose their house, and you know, he knows what he's talking about. Last November he lost a House and the Senate."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"How about that President Bush, he makes that surprise trip to Iraq. Was pretty impressive don't you think? He spent a few quick hours visiting with the troops, and then he left. You know, it was just like his days in the National Guard."
David Letterman
The Late Show with David Letterman

Too Old To Be President?

"President Bush is very busy. Tomorrow President Bush is scheduled to meet with Chinese President Hu Jintao. President Bush says he plans to deliver a message of 'concern and encouragement,' or as Bush calls it, 'concouragement'."
Conan O'Brien
Late Night with Conan O'Brien

"Alberto Gonzales resigned this week. Our Attorney Generalisimo. President Bush said he was looking for a replacement, someone equally versed in the law. In fact, he's out front of Home Depot right now picking up some guys."
Bill Maher
Real Time with Bill Maher

Our Representative To The World

"On the Democratic side of things, Oprah Winfrey is throwing a huge fundraiser for Barack Obama on Saturday on the grounds of the Promise Land, that's her huge ... estate on Montecito, California. It's projected to raise $3 million, $2 million of which is expected to come from the 'Dunk Steadman' booth."
Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel Live

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

"Alberto Gonzales is stepping down, but he can't recall why."
David Letterman
The Late Show with David Letterman

Hillary Clinton's Top 10 Campaign Promises
The Late Show with David Letterman

"The good news is that President Bush's daughter, Jenna Bush, is engaged. The bad news is she is marrying Rudolph Giuliani. ... Dick Cheney is hoping for a shotgun wedding. ... Jenna announced her engagement two weeks ago, although President Bush knew about it over a month ago from some wiretaps. ... If you'd like to get the young couple something for the wedding, they are registered at Mobil, Exxon and Shell."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"Needless to say, Senator Craig is also anti-gay marriage and gays in the military, which I think, shows he doesn't let his personal needs interfere with his work...the police report says he tapped his foot, which means 'I want sex.' And, also means I'll never wear my iPod to the bathroom again."
Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Dragnet 2007
Countdown with Keith Olberman

"Yesterday in Washington, a couple of pranksters covered Karl Rove's car in bumper stickers that read, 'I Love Obama.' Karl Rove laughed about it then had the pranksters murdered."
Conan O'Brien
Late Night with Conan O'Brien

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

Remember to take time to smile and laugh...

"You like presidential birthdays? Oh! Who doesn't. Well, over the weekend former president Bill Clinton turned 61, 61! Happy birthday Bill. Bill enjoyed a romantic candlelight dinner and dancing, then he went home to Hillary."
David Letterman
The Late Show with David Letterman

"But let's get through some other hits. Do decisive politics [on screen: Rove saying, 'What I try to do is serve a president whose attitude was let's find ways to bring the country together']. And that would be who? Oh, unless, oh my God, Karl Rove's been moonlighting for the president of Match.com."
Jon Stewart
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

The difference between Republicans & Democrats
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.

The republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, He decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republicans pocket and gave him fifty dollars.

"I guess it's no wonder that a poll out this summer put 'None of the Above' over all of the other Republican candidates. And if 'None of the Above' does get the Republican nomination, you know two things will happen: a) the Democrats will find a way to lose to him, and b) Bush will try to call and congratulate him."
Bill Maher

"Indiana Congressman Mike Pence hit the nail on the head. If there's one thing that everyone I've talked to can agree on, it's that Iraq is exactly like an Indiana market in the summertime. ... This is the sort of place where people don't even lock their doors at night. Heck, most people don't even have doors."
Rob Riggle
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

The Two Bills

Top Ten Good Things About Marrying Into The Bush Family
The Late Show with David Letterman
10. Great deals on Fallujah honeymoon
9. You'll inherit President Bush's extensive collection of Chuck Norris memorabilia
8. It's a good bet the wedding reception will have an open bar
7. Might see Cheney shoot an old guy-- still a reference, folks
6. Learning from grandma Barbara how to spit chaw
5. Every Wednesday is Taco Night
4. What could be more fascinating than learning what makes Jeb tick?
3. If half the family hates you, you still have better approval rating that George Bush
2. W. can lend you the "Mission Accomplished" banner to put up in the bedroom
1. Little chance you'll be the dumbest guy in the family

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor

I was in Columbus yesterday (more on that later this week), so here is a special Monday edition of FCPolitico funnies for your personal or private amusement...

"Today in Washington, President Bush met with the president of Afghanistan, who was wearing that hat and the robe. ... President Bush was a little confused. He thought he was meeting the professor from the Hogwarts school."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"Earlier this week at a campaign event in Utah, hundreds of people showed up to hear a speech by Barack Obama. After Obama's speech, the Utah crowd said, 'That was great. Now let us know if an Asian guy ever comes to town.'"
Conan O'Brien
Late Night with Conan O'Brien

Interview with the Vice-President


"A lot of people were wondering whether President Bush would acknowledge the record. He did. In fact, he told Neil Cavuto on Fox News today that he spoke to Barry Bonds on the phone. ... See that. He does care about black people after all. ... He probably just wanted to take the rare opportunity to talk to someone whose approval rating is lower than his is."
Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel Live

The New War on Terror


"Mitt Romney -- the only candidate named after a glove, one of the leading Republicans, he's called the war on terror the defining mission of our generation -- was asked in Iowa today why none of his five draft-age or army eligible sons are serving in the military. He said -- and this is a quote, people -- 'One of the ways my sons are showing support for the nation is helping me get elected, 'cause they think I'd make a great president.' When I read that, I was moved ... and I'll tell you why. To know that the Romney boys love America so much and the whole family that they're willing to give up all five of their boys for the Romney campaign. Who knows what kind of post-traumatic care these boys will need after the election?"
Jon Stewart
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

-RSKnopfJr

Time Out for Humor - The Simpsons

The Simpsons Political Trivia Quiz

"Ooh! A political discussion at our table. I feel like a Kennedy!
Lisa Simpson

"Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?"
Homer Simpson

"Hello, is this President Clinton? Good! I figured if anyone knew where to get some Tang it would be you."
Homer Simpson

The Simpsons make fun of Fox News

"America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!"
Homer Simpson

"The city of Washington was built on a stagnant swamp some two hundred years ago and very little has changed; it stank then and it stinks now. Only today, it is the fetid stench of corruption that hangs in the air."
Lisa Simpson

"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true."
Homer Simpson

Top Ten: Why I, Homer Simpson, Should Be President

"Marge, I agree with you -- in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory."
Homer Simpson

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
Homer Simpson

"Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool, gory pictures."
Bart Simpson

The Great Debate

"An election!? That's one of those deals where they close the bars isn't it?"
Barney Gumbel

-RSKnopfJr

Time out for humor

"John Edwards is continuing his poverty tour around America. Today, he visited a group of people who get their haircut in a place called a 'barber shop.' He was horrified to hear that story."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"Nation, I've got to be honest with you. I'm bored. Every day it is the same thing. Iraq this, Iraq that. I don't want to talk about Iraq anymore. ... Besides, all this war analysis is just spoilers. Hey New York Times, I didn't ruin Harry Potter for you, don't ruin this war for me. Can't we all just wait until September when General Petraeus comes to Washington and tells us the ending?"
Stephen Colbert
The Colbert Report

Chris Dodd's White Hare

"Yesterday, because it was a weekday, Alberto Gonzales was called to testify. Now I've said before that Alberto Gonzales' logic is well, mind numbing. But during yesterday's testimony, he became the K2 of obfuscation."
Jon Stewart
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

"Over the weekend, President Bush had his annual physical and he had one of those colonoscopies. Now he knows what it feels like to be invaded. ... He's okay, although he was slightly injured trying to say the word 'colonoscopy.' ... It was long, but a successful procedure. They removed five polyps and ten Al Gore ballots."
David Letterman
The Late Show with David Letterman

The Hillary Show

-RSKnopfJr

Time out for humor

"Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore has dropped out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination. Gilmore said he dropped out because, 'I don't have the star power of a Tom Tancredo or a Mike Huckabee'"
Conan O'Brien
Late Night with Conan O'Brien

"Just because some Republican senators have recently spoken out against the war does not mean they should be forced to actually vote against it. It's like a relationship -- you just have to trust how they feel. Don't make them say those three little words -- end the war. ... Besides, this whole staying up all night thing is just a partisan stunt. Like Mitch McConnell said, 'it is theater, and bad theater at that.' Yes, it is the worst theater since the Democrats held the Senate for a full production of 'Cats.' Though Harry Reid did shine as Mungo Jerry."
Stephen Colbert
The Colbert Report

Why outsiders like our two-party system...

"CNN found out which celebrities are donating money to which presidential campaigns. See if you notice any kind of a pattern here. Hillary Clinton's campaign got money from Paul Newman, Tobey Macguire, Tom Hanks, and Ben Stiller. Barack Obama got donations from Will Smith, Cedric the Entertainer, Isaiah Washington, and Jamie Foxx. ... And Dennis Kucinich, he actually got some celebrity money. He got checks from Verne Troyer, Emmanuel Lewis, Dr. Ruth, and Papa Smurf. ... They say as goes Papa Smurf, so goes the South."
Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel Live

"So why did this all-night session happen? Because while Democrats have a majority in the Senate, they don't have the 60-vote supermajority needed to bring bills like this to a vote, thus forcing the Democrats to stay up all night to prevent the Republicans from staging an all-night, vote-blocking filibuster. You can see why we're fighting so hard to export this type of government to Iraq"
Jon Stewart
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

What happens before Tom Brokaw goes on vacation? He prepares...

"Hillary Clinton was at the Senate all night. And you know what that means ... the coast was clear for Bill"
David Letterman
The Late Show with David Letterman

"As you know, the Democrats want to pull the troops out of Iraq in 120 days, 'cause the Iraqi government has only met eight of the 18 benchmarks we have set. They've had eight accomplishments. You know something? That's more than our Congress has had."
Jay Leno
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

-RSKnopfJr