Loser Report

M&E Sunday Funny

M&E Sunday Funny

An old married couple hit the pillows for bed.  The old man passed gas and said, “Seven Points.”

“What in the world was that?”  The wife asked.

“Hon,” he replied.  “It’s fart football.”

A few minutes later his wife lets one go.  “Touchdown, tie score.”

After five minutes, the old man let one rip.  “Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.”

Not to be outdone, the wife tooted.  “Touchdown, tie score.”

Five seconds later, she let out a little squeaker. “Field goal, I'm winning 17 to 14.”

Pressure built on the old man.  Refusing to get beaten by a woman, he strained and grunted.  With defeat totally unacceptable, he gave it everything and accidentally crapped in the bed.

“What was that?”  The wife asked.

“That?” The old man responded, “Half time, switch sides.”

M&E Sunday Funny

After dinner, the wives walked into the kitchen while the two elderly gentlemen talked at the dining room table. 

“You know,” one said, “last night we went to a new restaurant and it was really great.  I would recommend it very highly.”

“Really!” the other man responded.  “What's the name of the restaurant?”

The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?  You know, the one that's red and has thorns?”

“Do you mean a ‘rose’?” replied the friend.

“Yes, that's the one.”  The first old man replied.  He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

 

 

M&E Sunday Funny

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.  One evening, deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.  Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.  The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and headed out to find her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight:  the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.  The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, now let him get himself out of it."

M&E Sunday Funny

I finally got around to going fishing this morning, but after a while I ran out of worms.  Then I saw a cottonmouth with a small frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.  Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.  I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniel's and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake, with two frogs in his mouth.

M&E Sunday Funny

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy replied. “On a trip to the Black Hills, I came upon a gang of bikers threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.  So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker, smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. ‘Now,’ I yelled.  ‘Back off!! Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"

Impressed, St. Peter asked, “When did this happen?”

“Oh,” the man answered.  “Only a few minutes ago...”

M&E Sunday Funny

"How are you feeling?"  Asked the male nurse.

"I'm ok," Marvin replied. "But I didn't like the four-letter word the doctor used during my surgery." 

"I'm sorry about that," he said.  "What did he say?" 

"OOPS!"
 

M&E Sunday Funny

Angus, a young Scottish lad, and Irene sat on a stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.  

"A penny for your thoughts, Angus?"

"Well," he said.  "I was thinkin', perhaps it's aboot time for a small kiss."

Irene blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

The two turned to gaze out over the loch.  Minutes passed before Irene asked. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' that perhaps it's now about time for a little cuddle."

Irene blushed, then leaned over and cuddled with him for a few seconds.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.  After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh,” Angus stammered.  “I was thinkin' perhaps it's about time you let me put my hand on your leg."

Irene blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.

Once again their gaze returned to the lock before Irene spoke.  "One more penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" she replied with whisper filled with anticipation.  "Well, what are you thinking?"

Angus mustered up his courage, looked her in the eye and said.  "Don't you think it's aboot time that you paid me the first three pennies?"

M&E Sunday Funny

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the new doctor said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age (I just turned 60.)
 
A little concerned about that comment, I asked, “Do you think I'll live to be 80?”
 
“Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?”
 
“Oh no,” I replied, “I'm not doing drugs, either!”
 
“Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
 
“Not much,” I noted.  “My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”
 
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”
 
“No, I don't.”  I replied.
 
“Do you gamble, drive fast cars or have a lot of sex?”
 
“No,” I replied sheepishly.
 
“Well then,” the doctor declared.  “Why do you care?”

M&E Sunday Funny

Sally the maid asked for a raise which upset the wife, so the wife decided to talk to her about it.

“Why do you want a pay increase?" 

“Well, there are three reasons," Sally replied.  "The first is that I iron better than you."

“Who said that?" 

“Your husband."

“Oh," the wife said.

"The second reason," Sally continued, "is that I am a better cook than you too."

“Nonsense, who said you could cook better than me?"

“Your husband did."

"He did?"  The wife asked.   

“He did," Sally said.  "And my third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

"I see," the wife snapped.  "And did my husband say that as well?"

“Oh, no.  The gardener said that." 

“Umm," the wife muttered.  "So, how much do you want?"

M&E Sunday Funny

Every ten years, monastery monks are allowed to break their vow of silence and speak two words.  A decade passes and it's Marvin's first chance to speak. 

"Food bad," he says.

Ten years later, Marvin says, "Bed hard."

After another decade, Marvin looks at the head monk and says, "I quit."

"I'm not surprised," the head monk replies, "you've been complaining since you got here."

 

M&E Sunday Funny

A girl bounced into the living room while her Dad read the paper.  "Daddy," she asked.   "Where does poo come from?"

Feeling a little perturbed his five year old has already started asking difficult questions, he thought a moment and said, "Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," she answered.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff.  Then whatever is left over comes out of our buns when we go to the toilet. That’s what we call poo."

Shocked, she stared at him with watery eyes in stunned silence. Fighting back the tears, she asked:  "And Tigger?"

 

M & E Sunday Funny

Marvin walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one and give me the bill."

The bartender does it and hands Marvin man the bill. 

"I haven't got it," Marvin says and the bartender slaps him around before throwing him into the street.

The very next day, Marvin returns and again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one and give me the bill."

Figuring he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, he gives Marvin the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has one himself and hands Marvin the bill.

Again, Marvin says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it.  He beats the living daylights out of Marvin and throws him out into the street again.

The next day, Marvin walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill."

In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

"Nope!" Marvin replies.  "You get too violent when you drink."
 

M&E Sunday Funny

In the late afternoon, a salesman knocked on house's front door. 

A little ten year-old boy with a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm opened the door.

"Hello son," the salesman said.  "Is your mom or dad home?”

"Now just what the heck do you think?" the little boy smirked.

M&E Sunday Funny

A woman happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved three-year-old grandson in the grocery store.  Gramps has his hands full as the child screams for candy, cookies, fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles.  As Gramps works through the store, his controlled voice says: "Easy, Rudy, we won't be long -- easy, boy." 

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay, Rudy, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror starts throwing items out of the cart.  Yet, surprisingly, she overhears Gramps again saying, "Rudy, Rudy, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Rudy."

Now, very impressed, the woman walks up to Gramps as he loads groceries and the boy into the car.

"You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay.  Rudy is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
 
"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "But I'm Rudy -- the little brat's name is Jim."